Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
