Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
