I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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