I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
