when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
