Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
