I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize