You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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