those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
