Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
