Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
