By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you traded sex for a burrito?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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