last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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