dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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