Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
