She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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