I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
