Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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