im drinking this country out of the recession.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
