I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
