fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize