nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Did we literally take a cab across the street
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
