I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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