Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
