she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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