I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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