I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
