I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
