Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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