Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
