My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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