so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
