I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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