I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
