I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
