His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We have started to decorate penises.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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