but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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