think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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