On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Also, beer. Big fan.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
