Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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