this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
