I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
