Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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