I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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