Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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