Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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