took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
