I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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