Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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