I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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