I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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