I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I have fence marks all over my body
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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