then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
