There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My boob is missing a layer of skin
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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