ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
