This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
