Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
