you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize