drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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