Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
