i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
