her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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