There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
then he tried to convert me to islam
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
