i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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