I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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