Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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