I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize