Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
