so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
