I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
