I didn't shave. On purpose
farters have to be the big spoon...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Randomize
