I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
