Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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