i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Randomize
