Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
