Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
