im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
