I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
