my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize