i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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