finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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