good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
