Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
